My name is Becky and I started developing this site after my spiritual director suggested I read the Song of Songs (from the Bible), during Lent (2013). My attention was captured by this segment from chapter 1, verse 6:
"Do not gaze at me because I am swarthy,
because the sun has scorched me.
My mother’s sons were angry with me,
they made me keeper of the vineyards;
but, my own vineyard I have not kept!
It was the last line that spoke to me about not having been able to tend my own vineyard (read soul) because trauma, abuse, and neglect in my life left me a people-pleaser. I spent vast amounts of time and energy doing things to make other people happy (and tending their vineyards/needs), but I was miserable because deep down, at a place that I wasn't even conscious of, I didn't believe that my vineyard (or soul) was worth taking care of....so I didn't.
A lot of prayer, reading, psychoeducation, and healing brought me to a place where, at long last, I do know my own worth. It feels wonderful...and yet I also feel a sadness because I lived the first 55 years of my life in darkness due to unresolved trauma, abuse, and neglect. Things other people did to me - coupled with spiritual warfare - had the spiritual/psychological effect of binding me hand and foot, putting duck tape over my mouth, throwing me into a cramped tiny root cellar and locking the doors. My "free will" was not free at all, but was controlled by fear and shame, which are cruel masters. My sadness is due to the fact that I know if this happened to me....then it has happened to a lot of other people too. I want to use my own experiences, and the understanding the Lord has given me about them, to help others who are suffering find the freedom Christ talks about.
In this light, the vineyard is more than my own soul, the work expands to include the whole Body of Christ, or the Church, which is in great need of some tender loving care. I think many of Jesus' teachings have both a private and a public aspect to them, which can cause confusion if we try to understand it on our own. The good news is that we aren't alone; just as He promised prior to His Passion, Jesus did not leave us oprhans, which St. John recounts in Chapter 14 of his Gospel. As Catholics we have the Bible, the Catechism, numerous encyclicals and teachings from the Church Fathers and we have the lives of the saints to help us along the narrow path.
My desire in creating and maintaining this website is to provided reliable (spiritually safe) information for Catholic Christians. There is much confusion about faith and morality in the world today - I was terribly mis-guided in my life until God kind of tapped me on the shoulder in 2006 and pointed me in the right direction through a spiritual conversion, metanoia, or sincere change of heart that I continue to work on every day. The most helpful part of this was discovering the Disciples of Jesus and Mary formation (DJM). With a trained leader guiding me I was able to see how God had been leading me throughout my life - even though I didn't know it at the time. I learned to surrender myself into His loving arms and to allow Him to re-form me in my faith. I cherish my faith and my new relationship with God every day, and I look forward to experiencing the fullness of this relationship when I am finally called home.
May God shower you with abundant blessings, and may you be open to recieving them!
I am praying for you.